Let Yourself Off The Hook
One of the things that creates a boundary between you and peace is you. One way or another you've explored that here over the past eight days. This is not to blame you, this is to release you from your own relentless grip.
You can feel peace or you can feel pain.
You can choose love or you can choose fear.
You can choose to sit in a classroom or wander through a playground.
So many choices, so little forgiveness.
You're human. Part of being human is having a full-on-unapologetically-human experience. You need to feel pain to understand peace. You need to feel fear to witness the power of love. You need to sit in a classroom in order to value the playground. This is life.
Too often, you allow the pain, fear and classroom to occupy your mind. It loops again and again and again. Eventually, even though you're trying to acknowledge all the good stuff, you're sinking back down in all the bad stuff. This is the mind, again, in overdrive.
I don't think it's enough to tell you that you that breathing will solve everything (even though it will). As humans we have a need for resolution. It's in the resolution that we begin to find our balance and alignment as we center back into love.
Breathing takes us to a place where we can quiet the chaos long enough to examine the evidence, to see (really see) what's here in the now. It's in this place that we can begin to understand two sides of an argument. It's in this place where we can begin to take responsibility for our actions.
In my own spiritual deep-dive I've come to recognize and understand and, most importantly, accept that I make very horrible choices when I am in the midst of any sort of chaos. I tend to reach for the quick-feel-fix (what will make everything feel better the fastest) instead of what's true for me. I can't see where my fear is in the situation and so I just react.
As a result of this realization I now give myself the space to process what's happening. Often, this looks like a very deep breath and it sounds like silence. Sometimes It looks like I'm walking away or seeking shelter in which case I am walking away and seeking shelter within myself. Doing so helps me to realize what's really happening.
Although every situation is different I can tell you this: there are two sides to every story and only one side is about you; you can't even consider the other side of the story until you understand your side first. Understanding your side means knowing what your expectations are. And then, and only then, forgiving yourself for each and every one of them.
Yes, forgiving yourself for the expectations you hold. Chances are you are still holding the expectation. You are still grieving it's loss. And you can not create space in your heart without forgiving yourself first. I would argue you are actually the only person you ever need to forgive because the minute you release the ties that bind you and your energy to an event the energy releases. Everyone can feel it in some way, regardless of where you are, regardless of asking them for forgiveness or not. In the same way that you must love yourself before you can love another, you must forgive yourself before you can extend an olive branch. There is no other way.
I want you to rewind with me for a second. Go back to a time in your life, when you were very, very young.. I want you to think of an experience that was disappointing to you. Maybe someone you loved hurt you in some way. I don't want you to dive deep and relive it, I just want you to hold the thought of this in your hand like a snowglobe so that you can turn it upside down and examine it.
Ask yourself this one question: what was my expectation of that situation (or what was I hoping for or what did I need).
Keep your answer short, let the very first thing that pops into your mind BE your answer because often that is the truth that will surface before you mind starts showing off and going all mental-yentle on you.
Do you have your answer?
Now I want you to repeat after me:
I forgive myself for expecting anything. I forgive myself for hoping and wishing that things could have happened differently. I forgive myself for wanting something so deeply. I forgive myself for not loving my way through the disappointment. I am for and giving myself love. I am sending this flow of love back to that child. May it be the flow that child needs in order to thrive in that moment of this lifetime.
You may or may not be able to forgive your teacher when you're done. It's hard to say. And it doesn't matter.
You are peace.
You are love.
You are ONE.